On Leaving Notes
by Jacob R. Moses

In all the days I was suicidal
My wrists never possessed
Enough strength to lift a pen
And write a final note

My fingers cramped from
Wrapping them around a bottle

My head spinning from figuring out
The right fucking metaphors to
Present an eloquent departure

I was just never
That calculating

Never that vain that my death
Would be a celebration of my life
Amid those who may wish for it

It was a way to say goodbye
Without the pain of saying it

One note was in the form of a poem
It was titled “Born This Way”
Way back in 2004 before
Lady Gaga penned a song
With the same title

I can’t forget how I was told
My suicide attempts made
People appreciate their lives more

And how my veins would be filled
With gold refineries from which
Ambitious people scavenge

But I never left it for an attempt
Wishing Lady Gaga time traveling
From 2011 could have
Saved me in the moments
Where I tried to be good in 2005
After a rocky and bipolar 2004

Wired like a nurse during the
Graveyard shift during a
Crime spree in the streets

But I never left a note

Never thought to say
Goodbye; never thought
My plan required a cry
For help I had zero faith
In ever being answered

Whether I believe in martyrdom
Is an issue I regularly debate

I am anorexic and simultaneously
A glutton for some form of
Excitement in my being

Slight near rhymes repeating
Like my racing thoughts as I
Duel depression, school
Expression to the masses

All the while wondering
If just maybe writing a note
Would have been the
Assistance I needed
When the words
Stifled within me

When my brain was
Constipated in the
Depths of my mouth

Days I stayed in my room
Countless hours listening
To iTunes and half listening to
Experimental movies on IFC

But the sad part of my depression
Isn’t not having the words, but in
Actuality having an abundance

Rest assured, this is not a note